When You Have Low Self-Esteem

Why has my self-esteem been so bad lately? There is nothing really bad happening in my life, but lately I have been feeling like, “what's the point?”

During an episode of Netflix’s Ginny and Georgia, Ginny’s boyfriend describes how when you’re depressed, it doesn't matter if your lover, child, etc. is next to you - you can still feel “worthless” and “shameful” even though you are surrounded by love.

I have been feeling as though my ego is hurting. My negative, self-talking ego for the past fifteen years is slowly being ripped in half because I want to move forward. It's holding on for dear life, though. I am forcing myself to quickly move past this old version of myself, which is getting harder and harder. It's as if I am stripping away who I have been for over half my life.

This mindset no longer serves me.

But how do I continue going? I have been doing small things daily to try and release and let go. My mind starts to wander, overthink and tell me nothing will ever change.

Similarly, I feel my worth is tied to my corporate job. I have been fighting to grow or find something new, and I keep getting shut doors. I feel this is a sign from the universe to go after my passions. So I am now (fearfully) turning to my passions and creative self to ignite my soul.

This scares the absolute shit out of me.

I am scared my hopes and desires won't work out.

My mind stops me before I even try.

I don't have faith my dreams will work because I don’t have enough faith in myself.

I don’t have faith in myself because “I let bad things happen to me in the past, and they’re all my fault.”

This negative voice is overpowering my progressive voice, which makes me even more frustrated…

Lately, I have been listening to songs by Citizen Solider, a metal band. Their lyrics on mental health are very heavy, but they help me feel less alone.

The song “Runaway (From Myself)” is about wanting to run away from yourself because you’re basically too much and it would be easier to not be yourself. I don’t mean I’m too much, as in I’m too much to be around - I’m too much as in my negative thoughts are way too much. I don’t know how to release them; it’s a never-ending cycle.

This is often how I’ve felt throughout my life.

My thoughts get so heavy I feel like my genuine, beautiful soul is trapped inside a prison, screaming to get out.

I also feel addicted to pain and suffering.

Suffering has been my biggest constant since I was 13 years old. It started from multiple teenage traumas, which created self-shame and a lack of self-worth. Even when I dealt with those traumas by going to therapy, journaling, etc. - the traumas created an insidious negative mindset.

Now, I feel overwhelmed on how to release this pain. How do I end this cycle? How do I shift my thoughts to end this cycle?

I don't think I will ever fully be healed from my past traumas. New realizations and experiences will always come up so I can keep learning.

I have a long way to go, but I wanted to share this with the world, so others don't feel so alone. If you are reading this, you aren't alone. You are here for a reason. Your soul came into this life for a reason. It may take lots of time to feel more joy or any joy, but it is there - ready for you and me.