Holding Myself Back
Why am I holding myself back?
I feel like I have been waiting for this super profound energy to come forth, but it hasn’t. I feel like I have been sitting around for a few years - even though I know I have been “productive”.
I just haven’t felt ready yet to move forward because I feel like I NEED the specifics. I NEED to know that if I do this, I will land here. But, I also know that’s not how it works. I know that I just have to take that first step - but those words annoy me… because I know they’re true, and I know how simple it can be.
Easier said then done, of course. But I always feel like this “magical” next step will land right in front of me and I then I will know what to do — and thus create my dream future.
I have been using the excuse of “it’s just not my time yet” - which, I can only use for a bit because, sometimes the energy just actually isn’t there yet. Sometimes/many times it’s just waiting to pounce out of me. But, then, I just wait for this big event to happen and nothing happens…
Lately, I have been feeling more ready than ever to get myself out there - but I have been thinking of every excuse without even fully realizing it.
Yes, I have been busy with a baby and a puppy, which is where my attention has been. However, now that both are more settled, it’s time for me. It’s time for me and my visions to come to fruition. Although I don’t know how any of this will turn out…
With this, I feel the strong need for control. Mostly to control my future, but I know in order to let go, I just need to let it be. And I know this. And then I get so frustrated with myself because I know all of the answers inside of me - I just don’t always listen - which is okay! I know each day, each moment, is just a part of my life. It is natural, it is raw, it just is.
Maybe I don’t need any profound moments to grow. I just need little moments. Because these little moments create the least amount of pressure for me - and I can just do them without hyping and/or psyching myself out.
I also think that whenever I am feeling jealous of someone else being “more ahead of me” - I have to realize that this emotion is coming up because I just want to be doing what they’re doing, being vulnerable; I want to feel liberated from my thoughts and myself.
When I am craving growth and inspiration, I cannot be jealous of that person that seems more ahead of me. Instead they should be an inspiration, but… I can’t always look at them that way. Sometimes I just need to feel jealous. And that’s okay - as long I don’t direct that energy towards the person. That person doesn’t need that energy. That energy is mine, and mine to work with.
So I will work with this stuck, jealous, envious energy and I will see where it takes me. Scratch that, I will work with this energy and let it be. And then we will go from there 💜
