When My Mind Spirals
Sometimes I feel like my mind can slip so far back to the past when something, or some event triggers me. I start to feel unworthy, shameful, and not enough. It’s so, so easy for my mind to go back to that place because it’s used to being there. It’s comfortable. At times it feels impossible to get out. I then freak out about that thought and spiral further back to a darker place. But, I also know, in the back of my head (a voice I am choosing to ignore in these moments), I am going to get through this. This moment won’t last for forever.
During these moments, I try to find some spark of joy to get me out. It can be literally anything like washing my hands in warm water, listening to my favorite song, eating my favorite food — and it slowly, overtime, softens my thoughts.
And sometimes, days, minutes, or months later, that same negative thought pattern re-emerges and I feel like I am right back to square one again. But I know I’m not - because each time this same thought pattern/lesson comes up, it’s an opportunity for me to learn something more about it, something different - no matter how repetitive it seems. Some lessons tend to repeat over and over until I figure them out, while others show new sides to them.
At the current moment, I am working on releasing the negative thought pattern of not feeling good enough. This started over 15 years ago and kept developing from past trauma and events. I feel like I am always fighting to release these thoughts. I so desperately want to feel enough that I almost take myself right back to that place because I am not letting those thoughts be. I am fighting them. I am trying so hard to control them. I am controlling my thoughts because it’s a sense of security for me. If I can control and plan the outcome or my thoughts then I can avoid feeling potential pain or upset… Although the more I control my thoughts, the more it creates the opposite of what I want. I am not letting things unfold. I am restricting the natural flow of life.
I know practicing mindfulness can help, so I have started meditating and doing gentle yoga in the morning. But I expect to immediately feel better after starting this, but it’s actually bringing up more of my old thought patterns (likely because there’s a ton that need to be released).
When they come up extra strong, I wonder what’s the point to these practices? But I know in my heart that they are helping, even if I can’t see it yet. I know they will add up overtime. So, I can’t give up. I can get through this. I just have to trust in myself :)
