The First Week of my Miscarriage

CONTENT WARNING.

MISCARRIAGE STORY/REFLECTION.

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I am having a hard time admitting I had a miscarriage. Tomorrow will mark one week since my miscarriage started and I am still in shock.

I never thought I would have a miscarriage. I thought by doing certain things, I could control it from not happening. If I meditated enough, did yoga enough, keep my stress levels low, eat healthy, etc - I could avoid a miscarriage. Or I could avoid one because I never had one before my current daughter. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

My mind has been racing since I found out.

(Content trigger warning: miscarriage story)

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Last Wednesday, I was doing cardio because exercise has made me feel better from the beginning of pregnancy. Once I stopped, I felt blood and cramping. I thought it was normal, but then it started increasing more and more. I was advised to go to the ER. The doctor told me it could be ectopic, an early miscarriage or a broken blood vessel in the placenta (although very rare; he said it happened to his wife and they had a healthy pregnancy). After a number of tests, an ultrasound where the doctor said they couldn’t see anything, etc - the doctor said it’s still unknown if it’s either of the three, but he sounded hopeful it was just a vessel… (he also wasn’t an OBGYN).

He gave me hope. Even though my husband already knew. I held onto hope.

A week before this, I had a dream that the baby was growing big and healthy.

And then this happened.

After the ER I rested at home until my doctor’s appointment a day and a half later.

While I rested, I felt numb and had no sense of time.

I still kept sending positive vibes to my pelvic area.

The next day… an hour before my doctor’s appointment, I felt so nervous because the bleeding hadn’t stopped.

I felt a dark cloud over me.

Once I told the OBGYN what happened at the office, she told me “It sounds like you had a miscarriage.”

I was angry. “How do you know? This baby is okay. I know it.”

Then she did her routine exams and confirmed.

I miscarried.

She told me it wasn’t my fault. Told me what to expect, etc . But I couldn’t stop crying while looking in her eyes.

I felt empty.

I then cried into my mom’s arms and struggled to walk out of the doctor’s office… And then to be exposed to an entire waiting room when I couldn’t stop crying. And then seeing a baby in the waiting room. Ooof. My heart.

Then all weekend and still, I feel numb.

I have been through much trauma, but this is different. This is GRIEF AND TRAUMA. I am trying to process both.

How do I navigate both? I know this answer will take time - but for now, I am working so hard not to blame myself.

It brings me back to not trying to blame myself after the sexual assaults in my past occurred.

Any outsider would say sexual assaults and miscarriages are never your fault - but it’s different when they happen to you. Obviously, I would wish for no one to believe it was their fault - but that’s not generally how it goes. That’s definitely not how it went for me. I still work through that shame everyday. And now it’s much more magnetized by this new trauma.

My mind keeps going back in time, telling myself - you shouldn’t have done all that yoga and meditation, you should have rested more, you shouldn’t have eaten that unhealthy food, etc.

I am trying to recognize that narrative and not believe it to be true.

It wasn’t my fault. It wasn’t my body’s fault. It wasn’t my unborn baby’s fault. It was no one’s fault. It just happened.

I realize this - and then the main question currently on my mind is, “Why - Why did this happen? Do I need to learn a particular lesson? Do I need to wait longer? Did I wait too long?

Aside from my racing thoughts, my body is aching. My mind is in such a deep fog. I feel nauseas and groggy when I wake up. One minute I feel numb, the next I want to cry my eyes out. My womb with life that once was feels empty. My imagination of my baby coming into this world is suddenly gone.

I read that one of the hardest things about a miscarriage is you are grieving a death so intimate that was inside of you.

For me, those first several days of the miscarriage by going to the bathroom and seeing evidence that everything is leaving and coming out was traumatic. I didn’t want to look, but needed to look…

My hormones now are soooo off. It’s been a struggle to get out of bed in the morning. I’ve been searching for comfort in materialistic things and food because I am too tired to go out in nature, write, and begin the healing process.

I also haven’t wanted to be alone, which normally I very much enjoy. I have been avoiding it all week, until now. Because I needed some levity. I needed to write these thoughts.

I know this post sounds super dark, but I want to tell my raw story. Sometimes it’s too overwhelming to hear about someone who is basically healed while you are in the very beginning, struggling.

It is important to have someone there for you during this time. The amount of love and support I have received from those closest in my life, helps fill my heart. Because of my support system, I have been able to find love and joy in the smallest of moments. Those moments keep me motivated to keep going.

A note to myself:

You will get through this.

Just don’t rush your healing.

But also, don’t push away moments to heal.

And if you do, try to make some time.

You will get through this.

You will get through this.

You are stronger than you know.

🦋