Dear Anxiety: Thank You

Dear Anxiety,

You’re here quite often. You like to come in phases or chunks. Sometimes you overstay your time; sometimes you’re gone rather quickly. Your timing is never great because it never feels good to be anxious. You like to interrupt me during random times. You have me wondering why you keep coming back.

Sometimes you disappear for quite a while, maybe a month or two. And then you come back out of no where. But is it really out of no where? Or do you come at the “perfect” time? The times when I can’t quite see how much you’re about to teach me. 

Sometimes you can last for days or weeks on and off. I start to question and get mad, like, what did I do to make you want to stay? Did I not work on myself enough? What more do I need to do? And what can I do to make you leave?

So you force me to keep trying different things to try and free you from my mind and body. You get me out of my routine.

Sometimes I keep trying and trying to release you, but you’re still there. I take baths, listen to music, journal, talk with loved ones, stay well-hydrated, meditate, exercise, etc. - but that’s not always enough. So what is?

And trying to control you just makes it worse. I often just have to let you be and that can suck. But the more I try to control or deny you, the worse you get. As they say, “What you resists, persists.”

You have me continue to search for my emotional freedom. Freedom from my overthinking, anxious mind. Freedom to find joy in my life… because I deserve it. 

You drive my life, anxiety. You drive me to always better myself because I want to manage you. And while managing you, I often find releases. Releases like emotions and pain that have been shoved to the back of my subconscious. You help bring those out, which can be overwhelming and scary. But you lead me to life-changing things, like therapy, groups, people, art, self-love, etc. These things helps me find joy, strength and wisdom. 

I may never be able to get rid of you, anxiety. But I can try and make you an ally. It doesn’t feel like it when you arise again, but I know you’re only temporary. I know I continue to find tools to manage you. I know to just let you be when you’re here. I know there’s a lot more work to be done and it won’t ever stop. But I thank you for being the biggest teacher in my life. I thank you for helping me to find moments of joy again. 

You are the anchor in my life. You keep me in touch with my mind, body and soul. 

Thank you, anxiety.