The Start Of My Anxiety
My anxiety started out of no where. I was 9 years old on a trip with my friend and her family. It was my first trip away from my parents. I wasn’t able to sleep on the first night and I started to freak out. I had no cell phone, the room was literally 90 degrees with no air conditioning - and I didn’t want to wake my friend up. I crawled into the bathtub to try and sleep, but couldn’t. I stared at the clock every five minutes, hoping I would have magically fallen asleep and it would be the morning. I became extremely warm, my body was shaking, I couldn’t quiet my mind, my heart was pounding uncontrollably for 8 hours; I felt paralyzed. After two nights of no sleep, and anxiety that lasted all day and night - I prayed I would be able to sleep when I arrived back home. Nope. After that trip, I wasn’t able to fall asleep without intense anxiety at night for over ten years. Often times it would get so bad, that I would have to have my mom pick me up in the middle of the night anytime I stayed over at a friend’s house.
Then - after ten sleepless years, I started finding ways to manage my sleep anxiety. But - as soon as my sleep anxiety subsided, I started getting intense anxiety during the day - almost everyday. It would come in waves, and other times it would consistently last for days or weeks. And, sometimes, I would just get panic attacks out of no where. I could be just watching TV and one would happen! They suck!!!
To this day, I still don’t understand how two nights away from home triggered me to have anxiety for the rest of my life. (And no, nothing bad happened to me in the hotel room) I just wonder, was I born to have anxiety? Was my anxiety there when I was born and it finally found a way to come out? I may never know, but…
Over the years, I have tried and failed practicing numerous methods to help manage my anxiety. I have been in and out of therapy my entire life, seen multiple doctors who never seemed to understand it, consulted friends, tried to ignore it (not a good idea, otherwise it will come back a million times worse), etc… A few years ago, I finally accepted that it will probably never go away - so I had to learn how to manage it. Once I learned how to manage it - it has gotten so much better!
Trial and error has been key!
Once I found one method, dozens of others followed. These methods have changed my life. Not only is my anxiety better managed, but I have found so many new interests and opportunities because of my anxiety!